Remus Lupin, Pest Control
by a happy bibliophile
Summary: James, Sirius, Peter and Lily try to cheer Remus up after another failed job interview...which is beginning to look like it may have unexpected consequences.
1. Remus Lupin, Pest Control

Remus Lupin, Pest Control

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and all things recognizable and related.

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><p>Remus Lupin sat nervously in the small wooden chair across from his potential employer, Mr. Ingrate. He watched as Mr. Ingrate's dark eyes glanced quickly over his résumé and letters of recommendation from his professors. <em>Maybe,<em> Remus dared to hope. _Just maybe this time._

He winced as Mr. Ingrate's bushy brows jumped up ever so slightly as his face registered surprise before quickly wrestling it into a neutral mask. Remus sighed inwardly. _Was it really too much to ask for a job?_

"Mr. Lupin, I must admit that you are more than qualified for the position we have available," Mr. Ingrate said.

Remus braced himself. _Here it comes_.

"But I'm afraid we need someone who can be ready and able to work at a moment's notice. With your…condition, it would make it difficult for us to rely on you."

"I understand, Mr. Ingrate." Remus plastered a stiff smile on his face. He tried to make eye contact with Mr. Ingrate, but found himself incapable. "Thank you for the interview."

"I really am sorry," Mr. Ingrate said with as much sincerity as he could muster. It was in vain as Remus had already looked down at his shoes and gave an imperceptible nod of thanks and acknowledgement before walking out the door, out of the squat, grubby building, and Apparating into his flat.

"There you are, Remus!"

Remus nearly jumped out of his skin, whipping his wand out while he scanned the room for an intruder, a hex ready to fly from his wand. He barely managed to stop himself when his eyes eventually settled on one of his best mates, Sirius Black – the much _wealthier_ Sirius Black – sitting on _his_ chair at _his_ kitchen counter eating a bowl of _his_ cereal – _his_ as in "the property of Remus J. Lupin," meager as they are. In a fit of annoyance and maybe a bit of justified righteousness (in his mind), Remus decided to hex him anyway.

"Oi! Moony!" Sirius spluttered as he leapt up to avoid dunking his growing beard into the milk. He drew out his wand and tried to stop it, but only succeeded in slowing it down. He looked back up and saw Remus still glaring at him. Instead of the wounded pride and childish pout he had planned on wearing, Sirius sobered a bit and said, "I take it that the interview didn't go very well," his undignified beard tumbling to the floor, forgotten.

Remus shook his head. "It was alright. Mr. Ingrate was very understanding, but they needed someone they could rely on." He sighed and pulled out another chipped bowl from a cabinet. Pouring himself a bowl of milk and cereal, he said, "I know he was just trying to spare me the humiliation. It was nice of him. To tell you the truth, it went as well as it could have, considering that I'm a bloodthirsty monster that could tear his throat out if I was so inclined." Remus grimaced. It sounded bitter, even to him. He rummaged through one of the drawers, looking for a clean spoon, finding one under a clutter of forks and butter knives. Where on earth did all his spoons go? "At least he didn't call in any guards to have me tossed out like the last one. Tell me, Sirius, why do I even bother?"

Gleaming white teeth split the mass of tangled black hair. "Because you don't give up and you don't give up because we won't let you." Sirius's eyes widened as a thought struck him and swore. "I almost forgot why I was here in the first place! C'mon, we're supposed to meet the others at James' place."

"Why?" was all Remus could say before Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him into a Side-Along Apparition.

"You could have at least let me have my cereal before we left, Sirius," Remus said as the squeezing sensation subsided. Awkwardly, he stuck the spoon in his robe pocket next to his wand.

Taking in his surroundings, Remus found himself standing in front of an obscenely large mansion with its very own Quidditch field where James was showing off what appeared to be the latest Nimbus racing broom model. He had a Quaffle tucked under one arm and executed a complex maneuver that had him hanging upside down more than once as he spiraled down towards the goal posts like a corkscrew. Peter hovered by the goal posts on an older Silver Arrow model and tried unsuccessfully to block James. Lily was cheered James on from the ground. At the sound of approaching footsteps, she turned, saw them approaching and screamed, drawing her wand.

"Wait!" Sirius had thrown his arms up in self-defense, but it was too late. With a bang, black coils erupted from the tip of Lily's wand and wrapped themselves tightly around Sirius, flipped him upside down and suspended him in mid-air. His beard trailed to the ground, obscuring his face.

"Oh, sorry, Sirius, I forgot about the beard," Remus chuckled and reversed the hex. The beard tried to shrink back into Sirius's face, but was caught in the ropes and gave Sirius the nasty feeling of a large hand tugging at the bottom of his face.

"Ow, Moony. Ow," Sirius growled through gritted teeth. Remus relented and vanished the ropes as well. With nothing to hold him up, Sirius dropped back down to the spongy green grass head first with a final, "Ow!"

Over their heads, James and Peter laughed while Lily calmed her wildly palpitating heart. She gave Remus an amused look before turning to Sirius. "Sorry about that, Sirius. I thought something was eating your face."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Did not. You're always looking for any and every excuse to hex me for spiriting your beloved husband away a few nights out of the week for an adventure." He broke out into a smile anyway. "But in light of a pending celebration, I'll forgive you."

Lily's face brightened as if she had thought of something else. "That's right! James, Peter, let's go in for dinner!" James dived down and leapt off his broom, landing gracefully on his feet. Peter tried to imitate James, but stumbled as his feet found the ground atop the ends of his shoelaces. James elbowed Peter with a grin while Lily gave Sirius a knowing look. Remus wondered what they were all up to. Whatever it was, he hoped it wouldn't kill him.

Dinner was wonderful and soon all five of them were filled and happy. As they had the tables cleared away, Peter turned to James and asked, "Now?"

"Yeah, now," James replied. "Moony, stay."

"James, I'm not a dog." Still, with the dishes cleared away, Remus found he didn't really have much else to do but to sit and stay put. James shrugged as Peter, Sirius, and Lily backed into the kitchen. "What are you all up to anyway?"

"Well, let's just say, we've got a little surprise for you, Remus."

"What's the occasion?"

Lily came back out, nudging James out of the way. She was carrying a cake. Peter and Sirius leapt out from behind her, wands decorating the dining room with streamers and banners. Altogether, they shouted, "Happy Birthday, Remus!"

After the initial shock wore off, a warm feeling spread out from the pit of Remus's stomach. He'd forgotten about his birthday, but they hadn't. His lips split into a wide grin.

After the cake had been eaten and the gifts given, James and Sirius whispered conspiratorially into either of Peter's ears. Peter shot Remus a wicked grin and disappeared into another room. "What are you up to?" Remus asked curiously.

"Well," Lily began. "We didn't really mean anything by it. It's just that…"

"We thought it might give you some ideas," James picked up. "Even if it didn't, we hoped that it might just, y'know…"

"Give you a good laugh," Sirius finished. "You can blame it on Peter if you don't like it. He started it after all."

"Start what?" Peter asked, coming back into the room with what appeared to be a small stack of flyers in a cardboard box.

James's eyes bulged. "Pete! How many did you have printed?"

Peter looked alarmed. "Five hundred." James looked flabbergasted. "The printer does it by reams. I asked you! You said just one."

Sirius slapped a hand to his face. "One, Peter. We meant one page."

"Oh…"

"It can't be that bad," Remus said, trying to lighten the mood.

Peter shot him a grateful look, passing the box to Remus. "Here you go, Remus. Happy Birthday."

They all held their breaths as he opened the box. Remus didn't know whether to laugh at the corniness or groan in embarrassment.

"Well," Lily prodded. "What do you think?"

"Honestly? I don't know what to say. I can't believe you all still remember this conversation. It's been – what? – almost four years," Remus smiled, reminiscing his fifth year when he tried to decide on a career path. "Thanks, though. It would be good for a laugh."

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. This way you can tell prospective girlfriends that you're not unemployed – you're your own boss," James said. He grabbed a sheet to admire the handiwork. "I think the printer was a bit overenthusiastic."

"She was just starting up the business," Peter said. "She was a bit desperate for a job. I think it looks rather nice."

Sirius and Lily each took one. Sirius laughed and Lily cringed. "I can't believe I was in any way part of this," she said glumly.

Sirius cleared his throat and everyone groaned in anticipation as he read, "'Doxies got you down? Grindylows invading your private lake? Pesky Hinkypunks leading your visitors astray? Never fear! Owl Remus Lupin, Pest Control!'"

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><p>AN: Ugh. I wrote this months ago. It sounds so campy and corny. Unfortunately, I felt like posting something, and this is the only decent thing I've got. If you spot any error, let me know. I hate errors. Hope you enjoyed.


	2. Morning After

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and anything else you recognize are not mine.

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><p>Chapter 2: Morning After<p>

Remus awoke to an insistent tapping on his window. He opened a bleary eye and found two bright yellow ones glaring right back at him through the window pane. The tawny owl gave a disgruntled hoot in hopes of hurrying Remus up.

Remus only groaned and turned over, pulling the blanket over his head, hoping to hide from the world for just a bit longer. After a round of drinks the night before, Remus couldn't remember much of what happened, but it didn't alarm him much. He'd woken in a similar fashion after every full moon and night at a pub, bar, or whichever establishment it was that sold alcoholic beverages. His eyes settled back on the box of flyers and groaned. It definitely seemed more embarrassing in the morning, now that he thought about it. Oh well. So long as no one else saw, he would be happy to hide it away and dispose of it slowly so as to avoid hurting his friends' feelings.

The insistent tapping started again and, after a few more minutes, there was a smash as a rock flew into the room, causing Remus to bold upright. The owl hooted in alarm, this time accompanied by a disgruntled neighbor yelling at the owl to knock it off.

He grabbed his wand from under his pillow and muttered, "Reparo," at the broken window. He watched satisfactorily as the glass pieces picked themselves up, rearranged and sealed themselves back into place. With a sigh, he finally got out of bed, and opened the window to let the owl in. Two more joined the first and all three bore letters with his name in what appeared to be the same handwriting, but under different degrees of duress. He opened the most anxious looking letter first. All it said was, "Please hurry!" Which was not enlightening at all.

Shrugging, he decided to start on the next most frenetic looking letter. He could barely make out the illegible handwriting, through which he could make out vague explanations about a boggart infestation and terrified children...and what appeared to be a mention of some sort of advertisement. Remus could almost feel the question mark growing on his face. Advertisement?

Ah-hah! The metaphorical light bulb flashed over his head. It must be James or Sirius's idea for a prank. He should have known their gift to him would come with strings attached - they usually did and had been done so once literally (Remus found himself chasing a sugar mouse around their dorm room in their second year). Well, if that was the case, Remus thought to himself as he got ready for the day, they've got another thing coming to them.

After breakfast, Remus Apparated to the Potter mansion. Once he bypassed the wards and entered the mansion proper, he called out, "James? Lily? Anyone here?"

"I'm in the kitchen, Remus," came Lily's reply.

He headed towards to back of the mansion, walking through the dining room, before arriving at the kitchen. He knocked lightly on the open door.

"What are you up to, Lily?" He asked.

"Oh, nothing much," she replied. With a final stir, she stood back from the cauldron and admired her handiwork. "Just finished this batch of Tolfenamic Potion. Goodness knows those two will need it after last night. What brings you here, Remus?"

"Are you talking about the hangover potion?" Uncertainty crept into his mind for the first time that morning and his hand made its way to one of the pockets of his robes. "You mean they haven't been up yet since last night?"

"Yes, the hangover potion and, no, they're still in bed." With a swish of her wand, Lily sent the potion into two awaiting glasses. "Let me tell you this: the next time we have a party, I'm hiding all the alcohol and you're going to help me. Sirius challenged James to a bit of drinking after you and Peter left and you know what they're like. It took me ages to get the vomit out of the late Mrs. Potter's rug." She jerked a thumb over her shoulder to the parlor through which Remus had first entered and where said Mrs. Potter's portrait sniffed indignantly while the late Mr. Potter surreptitiously chuckled at the recollection of last night's event.

Remus was having a hard time wrapping his brain around the situation. If James and Sirius were still in bed...was it possible for them to send those owls? Maybe Lily was in on it? No, he thought, that wasn't possible. If he had discovered anything while performing his Prefect duties with her, it was that she was incapable of hiding mischief for any period of time, which was why she found James so irritating at times.

Remus pulled out one of the three letters and finally opened the original letter.

Dear Mr. Lupin,

I am writing regarding your recent advertisement. I have had a boggart infestation for some time now and it appears to have taken a turn for the worst. The children cannot sleep at night and no one would dare set foot in Torthorwald Manor. If you would be so kind as to respond as soon as possible, it would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,  
>Matilda Torthorwald<p>

_Boggarts?_ Remus thought to himself. _How bad could it be? _Then he shook his head. He was no exterminator. He didn't even have any advertisement space _anywhere_. He'll just have to explain that to her. It was all just a misunderstanding. _Yes, that's right. It's all just a misunderstanding. If that doesn't work, I'll just tell her to move out.  
><em>

"Lily, can I use your Floo?"

"Sure."

Remus dashed over to the parlor's fireplace and threw a handful of Floo Powder into the fire.

He knelt before the fire and stuck his head in, shouting, "Torthorwald Manor!"

As the spinning stopped, he could make out the clean and well ordered kitchen where a woman sat huddled with three young children. The oldest child looked no more than ten, the middle child looked about seven, the youngest looked to be about five, and all four inhabitants appeared to be in desperate need of sleep. "Mrs. Torthorwald?"

"Mr. Lupin?" The woman looked up at him and came over to the fireplace.

"Yes, Mrs. Torthorwald, I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding. I'm not actually -"

"Please, Mr. Lupin, I need help. Practically every other exterminator has told me to move out already."

Remus grimaced inwardly and pressed on. "But you don't understand, Mrs. Torthorwald. I don't know how you got a hold of me, but I really don't think this would be bes-"

"Here's 50 galleons deposit." She shoved the pouch of coins in his direction, forcing him to catch it before it could fall on his face.

Remus was ashamed to admit to himself that the first thing to go through his head was the sound of the coins dropping into his near empty vault. Reluctantly, he said, "Give me a minute and I'll be right over."


End file.
